• Justin Fashanu committed suicide when he heard Stoke were going to sign him.

Apparently they wanted him to play behind the two strikers in order to stiffen up the attack.
• Brian Little goes into the dressing room at the Britanic Stadium and finds a turd on the floor near the door.

Enraged, he picks it up in his bare hands and storms into the players' room.
"Right!" he yells, "Who's shit on the floor!!!!!!??"
Kyle Stillbourne replies, "I am Boss, but I'm better in the air"
• Jez Moxey wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best suit  ready  for another day at the Britanic Stadium. Catching sight of himself in the mirror he thinks "By God Jez , you're looking good this morning". He  admires the fine cut of his suit, and flexes his biceps. "Feeling good  too" he notes proudly at the firm swell of muscle underneath the  charcoal-grey  cloth.

He enters the kitchen downstairs and his wife hands him a bowl of  cornflakes. "You're looking good this morning dear" says his wife  appreciatively.
"Yes" responds Jez "I feel good as well".
"But you're not smelling so good, mind" comments his beloved
Jez takes a sniff. "You're right there" he says worriedly  "I  am smelling  a bit rough". He eats his cereal, downs his coffee and sets off for  the  office.
"Good morning to you, sweetie" he grins at his secretary.
"It's a fine morning Mr Moxey " says the secretary " and you're  looking really  good".
"Why thank you. I look good, and I feel pretty good as well" says  Jez flexing both arms for her benefit.
"Oh Jez !" his secretary winces in disgust "you smell awful!"
Worried, Jez  visits the club doctor. "Doc, I've got a problem. I  look  good, I feel great, but I smell awful".
The Doc reaches down his medical dictionary. "Look good..."...he  scans  down the page..."Feel good... yeah.... smell...smell awful...aha! Okay   I know what the problem is" the doctor says. "You're a cunt".
• Three Vale fans and three Stoke fans are travelling by train to a game.

At the station, the three Stoke fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Valiants buy only a single ticket.
How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asks one of the Lardies.
Watch and you'll see, answers a Valiant and they all board the train.
The Stoke fans take their respective seats but all three Valiants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please.
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Stoke fans see this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game, they decide to copy the Valiants on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Valiants don't buy a ticket at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket? says one perplexed Lardie fan.
Watch and you'll see, answers a Vale fan.
When they board the train, the three Lardies cram into a restroom and the three Lardies cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Valiants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the thick Lardies are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says,  Ticket, please.
• There was a man driving along in is car when he got pulled over by the police. The policeman came to the car window and said that he thought the driver had been drinking, and asked to breathalise the driver. At that point the driver pulled a card out from his wallet which read "Asthma sufferer - Do Not Breathalise". So the policeman was quite annnoyed with this so asked for a blood sample, again the driver pulled out a card from his wallet which read "Haemophiliac - Do Not Take Blood". The police officer then asked for a urine sample. Again a card was extracted from the drivers

wallet, This one read "Stoke fan - Do not take the piss".
• There was a robbery at the Britanic Stadium last night and upon discovering the break-in, the detective from Stoke police station  took Peter Coates aside for some questioning."Peter, were any of the cups stolen?" Coates replied "No, thankfully they never got as far as the kitchen."
• There was a robbery at the Britanic Stadium last night, and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen.  Police are hunting for a man in his thirties  with a red and white carpet under his arm.
• A man is walking down the street in Stoke when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air.  He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing

building.  On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby. The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!" "No!  No!" the woman shouts back.  "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!" "No I won't!" shouts the man.  "I am Neville Southall I'm the goal keeper for Joke City. Every football player in the world agrees that I am one of the best goal keepers there has ever been." And with that he adopts the classic goal keepers stance, legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward. "Okay!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you.  I've no choice!  Here she comes!" So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window.  However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.  The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man. The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes.  Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm.  He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds.  Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.  The crowd is awe-struck Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief.  The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation.  Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground then punts her 60 yards down the road.

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